Article published May 11, 2003
Attack of the summer movies
By CHRISTOPHER BORRELLI
BLADE STAFF WRITER
Two Friday afternoons ago, they stood in the lobby of the Showcase Maumee, tickets in their hands, the first guinea pigs of the 2003 summer movie season, the target audience, teenagers, arguing over their menu for the next 90 days. They came straight from school to see X2: X-Men United. Next month, Pat, 17, plans to see The Hulk. "But all the previews we've seen, everything I've read, is so vague. They're trying not to give anything away, and that's good, but I think they haven't given us enough to know whether we want to see it or not. It's like they just expect us to see it no matter what."
From the mouth of a babe.
"Dude," his friend Ethan, 17, says, "Hulk looks too huge."
"Hulk is huge."
"Not tree size."
"He's shorter than wider."
"You mean taller than wider."
Molly, 16, breaks in. She wants to see Pirates of the Caribbean. The guys agree: any love story looks bad. "Like Legally Blonde 2 - why bother?" Terminator 3 gets a vote. Ethan is anxious for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Finding Nemo looks bad, they say, but then they all agree: the turtle in the trailer who goes, "Like, whoa," he speaks to them.
They agree on one other thing, or as Jordan, 17, puts it: "Matrix, Matrix, and Matrix." They become a literal chorus: "Matrix ... I'll be first in line ... That's it for me ... Matrix Reloaded ... I'm dying for Matrix." One even sings the title, turning it into a sort of hymn.
I interrupt: What about Seabiscuit?
They just stare.
Who knew summer could hold surprises? After all, Hollywood has dug in, nailed garlic above the doorways to all its cabanas in the hopes of warding off original ideas: Expect almost entirely sequels, remakes, adaptations of comic books, amusement-park rides, video games, and old TV shows. So for our annual summer movie preview, I've included a few smaller, less familiar films scheduled for Toledo screens. The rest is far from a complete list, but these are the biggies. As always, release dates are subject to the whim of studio execs and theater owners. A number of the films I've already seen; the rest are evaluated through a purely subjective prism of shallow rumor, speculation, buzz, and appearance.
We'll save the deep end for fall.
The A-List:
The Matrix Reloaded (Thursday, with 10 p.m. screenings on Wednesday). Reason to get pumped: Duh. It's only the most anticipated movie of the year, the sequel to arguably the most influential film of the last decade. Four years between movies has only granted its Lewis Carrollesque epic about a battle between mankind and a fascist digital foe more resonance. The action is more lavish; the Wachowski brothers' mingling of comic book mythology, cyber-punk culture, and Hong Kong action has grown more visionary. And that 14-minute freeway chase - in a word: whoa. Reason to stay cautious: Here's another word: Pretentious. The Wachowskis have a humorless streak that works against them, and that R rating should have ushers working overtime. But still, no question: it's gonna be huge.
Down With Love (Friday). Reason to get pumped: Renee Zellweger is back as a cutie pie. Ewan McGregor drops the Jedi goofiness. But the star is director Peyton Reed, the fledgling effervescent force behind Bring It On. He seems intent on bringing back bubbly fun to the movies, this time gliding in a pitch-perfect tribute to Rock Hudson-Doris Day romances of the 1960s. Former pillow-talker Tony Randall gets a cameo. Reason to stay cautious: With split screens, rear-screen projection, and tons of innuendo - how much arch is too arch?
Finding Nemo (May 30). Reason to get pumped: That pedigree. After the Toy Story movies, A Bug's Life, and Monsters, Inc., digital-animation house Pixar is batting 1.000, and this tale of a jittery clownfish (voiced by the jittery Albert Brooks) searching for his son, trapped in a dentist office aquarium, is more of the same: playful colors, breezy feel, neurotic characters, an adult sensibility. Reason to stay cautious: The law of averages says Pixar will flop once; plus why were those Pixar animators playing down expectations on the Internet last year?
The Hulk (June 20). Reason to get pumped: Finally the not-so-jolly green giant gets his tank-flinging close-up, and the involvement of director Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) promises more than a comic book cash-in. Reason to stay cautious: Lee is terrific with people. (Remember The Ice Storm?) This Hulk is computer-generated; the rumor mill insists Lee had a beast of a time coaxing a decent performance out of his steroid Gumby.
28 Days Later (June 27). Reason to get pumped: After seeing this truly eerie British zombie flick from Danny Boyle (Trainspotting) at the Sundance Film Festival last winter, I wanted my mommy. If its scenes of a completely deserted England don't scare you, its story of a killer virus that decimates mankind may hit a little too close to home these days. Reason to stay cautious: Can a digital horror movie with no stars and few special effects mean a hill of beans in this crazy mixed-up summer? Yup: The Blair Witch Project pulled it off big time.
Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (July 2). Reason to get pumped: Easy. Reesy. Witherspoon, that is, returning to her breakthrough role as Harvard-educated Elle Woods, now in Washington lobbying for animal rights and looking fabulous in pink Chanel. Sure, it's peppy and shallow; I'd follow Reese into Sweet Home Alabama 2 (but that's as far as I'd go). Reason to stay cautious: The first film was a surprise; a lot of its charm came from the then still-untapped screwball side of Witherspoon. And familiarity breeds contempt.
Seabiscuit (July 25). Reason to get pumped: Laura Hillenbrand's absorbing best-seller about a Depression-era dream horse gets the Oscar-film treatment with Tobey Maguire; the buzz is already strong. Reason to stay cautious: Director Gary Ross (Pleasantville) has a heavy hand with the saccharine, and that sticky-sweet trailer full of slow-motion hooves and honey-baked hues had us thinking, "You know what? Chariots of Fire was like way cheesy."
American Splendor (Aug. 15). Reason to get pumped: Cleveland's cranky underground legend, comic book writer Harvey Pekar, is celebrated in this hysterical, inventive biography that took home the Grand Jury prize at Sundance. Reason to stay cautious: Hype-wise, it's an independent flea among studio elephants; also, Toledo may wait a few weeks longer than everybody else to see it - despite, ironically, a curious road trip scene where Harvey and Co. drive to Toledo to see Revenge of the Nerds because it still hasn't opened in Cleveland.
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The Wildcards:
Hollywood Homicide (June 13). Why it could work: A zero-pretense comedy from Bull Durham director Ron Shelton about cops who moonlight as real-estate agents and yoga instructors between investigating the murder of a rap star. Sounds refreshingly low key. Why it could flop: It's a tired formula. A nagging voice in our head says Harrison Ford is cool but Harrison Ford is not funny. Then there's our conflicted feelings about Josh Hartnett. They play the buddies. Still, if it doesn't work, we'll blame Calista Flockhart - agreed?
Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas (July 2). Why it could work: Middle-American hunk Brad Pitt gives voice to the famous Arabian hero in this traditional animated DreamWorks adventure loaded with celebrity sotto (Michelle Pfeiffer, Catherine Zeta Jones); the trailer promises beautiful images and adult laughs. Why it could flop: So far, DreamWorks has had success with only computer-animated features like Shrek; and there's the lesson of Atlantis and Treasure Planet: audiences like live-action adventure.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (July 2). Why it could work: Without James Cameron at the helm, T3 has tucked a secret weapon under its belt, and it's not the slinky Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken) sent to squash the Resistance. And it's not 55-year old Ah-nold. It's action-director Jonathan Mostow, a critic's favorite star for his confident little U-571 and Breakdown with Kurt Russell. Why it could flop: No Cameron. Mostow has never worked on a playing field this huge. It'll have to overcome post-Matrix euphoria. And after 12 years, are you still anxious to know if John Connor (now played by Nick Stahl) can save mankind?
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (July 9). Why it could work: Another example of a young, hungry director making all the difference. Maybe. Gore Verbinski, the stylish hand behind The Ring, shows a lot of promise, and he's got a great cast: Lord of the Rings' Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, and Geoffrey Rush, in an adventure about pirates who've lost the will to plunder. Why it could flop: Disney insists, even after The Country Bears fiasco, that adapting theme-park attractions into movies is a good idea. Also, who remembers the last good pirate movie? Think hard.
Matchstick Men (Aug. 8). Why it could work: One of the few serious movies of the season. Ridley Scott directs Nicolas Cage in the kind of tic-heavy role actors slobber after; he plays a con-man with obsessive-compulsive disorder who tries making peace with his long-lost daughter (played by excellent newcomer Alison Lohman of White Oleander). Why it could flop: Scott, director of Black Hawk Down and Gladiator, isn't exactly known for poignant character studies. But then again, he did make Thelma & Louise.
S.W.A.T (Aug. 8). Why it could work: Those explosions. That action. Based on the 1970s police show, it stars Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Farrell (yes, again) as a tactical unit transporting a drug lord who has offered $100 million to anyone who can free him. The director is Clark Johnson, a vet of TV's Homicide, so a degree of intelligence is expected; Farrell is a superstar in ascension; no one remembers anything about the TV show other than its theme song, so there are no expectations. Why it could flop: There really are no expectations.
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Blockbusters (but will you remember them in the morning?):
Bruce Almighty (May 23). The plot: God (Morgan Freeman) lets Jim Carrey test-drive his omnipotence. But he can't do a thing about The Majestic. Why the plot doesn't matter: After a lousy layover in Sentiment City, Carrey is back where it's safe and silly, in high-concept land with Liar Liar director Tom Shadyac, who, if the trailer gives an idea, understands high concept to be when you include not one but two shots of a dog sitting on a toilet.
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (June 27). The plot: Ha. Why the plot doesn't matter: Director McG found the campy-trashy solution for anyone who ever wanted to adapt US Weekly into a movie. The answer is give Barbie guns. For the sequel, his Jiggly Three - who, incidentally, wear red leather to wash a car, and run into the Olsen twins - are joined by Demi Moore as a fallen Angel and Bernie Mac as Bill Murray's long-lost brother. It's a long story.
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (July 25). The plot: Angelina Jolie returns as her treasure-hunting Indiana Bond, and this time she has to find, you guessed it, the cradle of life, but truthfully now: if Angelina Jolie saves the world, and she's not wearing a bikini, does it count? Why the plot doesn't matter: Nobody remembers what the first one was about, either. The poster features Jolie as a butt-kicking snow bunny. That's worth $45 million of box office alone. Directed by Jan de Bont, who made Speed ... and Speed 2.
Freddy vs. Jason (Aug. 15). The plot: Nightmare on Elm Street's resident dreamcatcher runs afoul of Friday the 13th's finest culinary mind, and a bloody smack-down becomes a turf war. And it's too bad, too, because these kids have so much in common. Why the plot doesn't matter: The audience is built-in; this bit of a novelty sequel should stretch the freshness date of two series that have long since gone putrid; but most importantly: When you argue about who would win in a fight, Hulk or Superman, does your answer need a plot?
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The Trouble Signs (or what looks bad):
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (July 11). Why the pessimism? As much as I love the Alan Moore comic it's based on - about a partnership of fictional literary legends like Dorian Gray and Captain Nemo, who band together to fight crime - it's the sort of subtly inspired idea, full of literary allusions, modern comic book grit, and art, that usually gets choked by a $90 million production. The trailer is flat. Tom Sawyer was added because, apparently, the League was too Limey. Still, nice to see Sean Connery as Allan Quatermain.
Bad Boys II (July 18). Why the pessimism? Between slow-motion strutting as explosions billow in the background, we hear it has something to do with Ecstasy dealing and London. Then it's back to outrunning fireballs and posturing. You can smell the stench of bloated salaries and greed just wafting off this $110 million buddy sequel. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, back from career lows, return to the roles that made them stars back in 1995, while director Michael Bay gives his head a rest after eviscerating history for Pearl Harbor.
Gigli (Aug. 1). Why the pessimism? Bad test screenings. Widely reported fistfights between producer and director. No one has a good thing to say about this drama that tells the story of tough guy hit man who falls for a lesbian mobster. Maybe that's because Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez star and everyone's jealous of their Ben Lo-rrific love. Or maybe that's because it's about a tough guy hit man and his lesbian mobster love interest. Can't wait to find out: after all, The Bourne Identity pulled into multiplexes towing nastier buzz.
American Wedding (Aug. 1).Why the pessimism? The Law of Diminishing Returns meets that most desperate of series-extenders: the wedding send-off. Some of the cast of American Pie return to watch pastry-molester Jason Biggs marry his band-camp cutie, Alyson Hannigan. On one hand, that means fewer of those excruciating subplots with Tara Reid and Chris Klein; on the other, it means more reasons to stand far away from the wedding cake.
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Machine Washable (i.e. safe-to-drop-the-kids-off-at-the-movies movies):
Rugrats Go Wild (June 13). Why kids care: Nickelodeon superstars the Rugrats run into compatriots the Wild Thornberrys, and does no one notice how cheap Nick's animated features look? What's in it for parents: Bruce Willis as the voice of Spike the Dog. Woof.
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (July 25). Why kids care: The spy siblings are fast approaching their awkward years, so while he's still ahead, director Robert Rodriguez is retiring the popular series with a gadget-galore adventure into a video game, a la Tron. Oh, and it's in 3-D. What's in it for parents? Sylvester Stallone as an evil toy maker. George Clooney in a cameo. Antonio Banderas returns; so does Rodriguez's feverish imagination, always looking for clever ways to stretch a relatively tiny budget into a candy-colored epic.
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Hard to Get Excited About:
The In-Laws (May 23). Reason to yawn: Albert Brooks directing a remake of the 1979 farce about mismatched father-in-laws would sound great. Albert Brooks merely starring as one of the dads, with Michael Douglas taking the screwball Peter Falk role, gets me to wondering whether audiences might want to persuade their local multiplex to sign a pre-nup.
The Italian Job (May 30). Reason to yawn: Another remake of a heist flick. Improbable as it sounds, Mark Wahlberg takes the role that Michael Caine held in the original: a suave con man masterminding the world's largest traffic jam as a distraction so he can pull off One Last Score. The original Italian Job took place in Italy, but in this age of studio downsizing, the Italian Job unfolds in Los Angeles. The original also featured the unlikely combination of Benny Hill and Noel Coward; this one has Edward Norton and Charlize Theron.
2 Fast 2 Furious (June 6). Reason to yawn: Long gone are the muscle-head elements that made The Fast and the Furious such a throwback guilty pleasure to the days of drag-race exploitation flicks. Vin Diesel wanted $20 million. Director Rob Cohen walked. Paul Walker stayed - which would be great if we knew who Paul Walker was. Expect director John Singleton (Boyz N' the Hood), Cohen's replacement, newly committed to guilty pleasures after his remake of Shaft, to work overtime replacing lost star power with rather large dings.
When Harry Met Lloyd: Dumb & Dumberer (June 13) Reason to yawn: So they couldn't get Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels to reprise their, ahem, roles. Then the Farrelly brothers took a pass. What to do? For the cost of one Carrey, hire a young cast to create an incredible simulation. Then set it in 1980, when Harry (Eric Christian Olsen) and Lloyd (Derek Richardson) first discover their special bond. My guess is any cleverness went into the title. But a fine supporting cast (Eugene Levy, Luiz Guzman, Cheri Oteri) could make it bearable.
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That Big Fat Sleeper:
The Shape of Things (May 30). Why it could connect: Audiences love a good head game, almost as much as they eat up variations on Pygmalion. Prickly writer/director Neil LaBute (Nurse Betty), and a cast that includes chilly Rachael Weisz, combine the two for a kind of demonic Nora Ephron movie, a relationship grudge match so cringe-worthy and nasty that you're left cowering beneath your seat through the final act - it's so uncomfortable it's fun.
Bend It Like Beckham (June). Why it could connect: Because audiences everywhere else are queuing up for this warm (if by-the-numbers) British charmer about an Indian girl who breaks tradition by going out for a woman's soccer team. Repeat after me: It's the feel good movie of the year. On the other hand: It's also a Fox Searchlight movie, and Fox and National Amusements (which owns the majority of Toledo movie theaters) are not the best of buddies. So sorry, Toledo, you'll get it - just a bit later than everyone else.
Whale Rider (August, very possibly). Why it could connect: See Bend It Like Beckham. After standing-ovations at the Toronto and Sundance film festivals, this beautiful-looking New Zealand fable about a young girl who must prove herself to her tribal chief grandfather is set for a breakthrough. But will skittish exhibitors, eyeballing but not committing to off-Hollywood, take advantage of all that buzz.
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My advice: This summer, if remakes of '70s kitsch, sequels to films you never liked in the first place, or dumb and dumberer $130 million explosion fiestas don't race your heart, I have four words for you - Ann Arbor road trip.
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