Sunday, May 20, 2018
One of America's Great Newspapers ~ Toledo, Ohio

Can't. Stop. Myself. From. Watching. Help!


10 PM

I have been awake since 4:47 a.m. By all rights, I should be upstairs in a dark bedroom, snoring away.

But nooooooo.

As God as my witness, I couldn't help myself: I just HAD to watch Larry King lob softballs at Paris Hilton. Yes, of *course* I am ashamed of myself, and I promise to do not just one but two Random Acts of Kindness tomorrow as penance. Now, having vowed thus, let me just add this observation:

IF I were a bubble-headed heiress whose apparent sole occupation was "Party Goer," and IF I one evening found myself under questioning by someone with a badge who thought I might have had a drink or two too many, and IF that cop's suspicion turned into reason enough to be convicted, and IF I then blew my terms of probation for said conviction, and IF I ended up with yet another court date in front of the judge, and IF the prospect of my sentencing scared me enough to start trotting around with a Bible tucked prominently under my arm, and IF my subsequent jailing for said offense set off Media Bombs for days, and IF, upon my release from jail, I played eenie meenie minie moe with the media until my French-tip manicured finger tip landed on Larry King, and IF, as my people prepped me for this interview, no one had the foresight to feed me at least one passage from Scripture to recite IF Larry asked me to recite a favorite passage,* which he did, and IF I just sat there like a lump,** which I did -- well, all I can say is, some PR guy's head would certainly roll...

* I believe Larry's exact question was: "What's your favorite Bible passage?"

** I believe Paris' exact lame response was: "Um. Hmmm." [Awkward pause while the celebutant snuck an ultimately unhelpful peek at her notes, stage left.] "I don't have a favorite."


NB: No one will ever persuade me that the single best newspaper headline on the "Paris Out of Jail" story wasn't in the New York Post: Paris liberated, bimbos rejoice.

OK, that's it. I've had enough. This time, I'm really going to bed....

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