Tosh brings his brand of comedy to Stranahan

Comedian Daniel Tosh performs in a Comedy Central special.

PHIL MCCARTEN/PICTURE GROUP

SAN FRANCISCO, CA- JUNE 12: Comedian Daniel Tosh performs on Comedy Central's “Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts” at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, June 12, 2010 in San Francisco, California. (Photo by Phil McCarten/PictureGroup).

Daniel Tosh is a popular stand-up comedian made nationally famous via Comedy Central’s comic machine. His cable-TV exposure to the masses came first in his network stand-up specials and now in his wildly successful Tosh.0, a half-hour mockery of people filmed doing random and randomly stupid activities that were posted to the Internet.

Think America’s Funniest Home Videos, only edgier, without family-friendly commentary, and 50 percent more shots to the groin. The 38-year-old comic is performing in two back-to-back nearly sold-out shows Monday night at the Stranahan Theater, 4645 Heatherdowns Blvd. The shows are at 7 and 9:30 p.m. and tickets are $49.50 and $65. Information: 419-381-8851 or etix.com.

For those who’ve never seen Tosh, below are a few highlights — suitable to appear in a family newspaper — from his two stand-up specials.

2007’s Completely Serious:

“Is there anything more annoying than the poor? Always complaining: ‘Ohhh, I can’t afford a two-bedroom townhouse for $600,000.’ Good. Move east. That’s what the middle of the country is for, people who gave up on their dreams.”

“I don’t think I could ever stab somebody because I’m really bad with the Capri Sun.”

“ ‘Money doesn’t buy happiness.’ Do you live in America, because it buys a WaveRunner? You ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? ... Of course money buys you happiness. Have you ever seen a poor person skip?”

“Do you ever have a girl say ... I’m not religious but I’m spiritual. I reply, I’m not honest but you’re really interesting.”

“I am all for women that decide to get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you the rare opportunity to make your outer appearance reflect your inner appearance: fake.”

2011’s Happy Thoughts:

“I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don’t serve on jury duty. ... They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Then, it finally would be a jury of one’s own peers. It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true. Then it becomes law.”

“Sports need steroids. Baseball is a strike away from being soccer. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment, so watching people chase a ball around for four hours to end zero-zero is not enjoyable, unless of course the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.”

“We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me? Where’s that asterisk? Why don’t people talk about that?”

“Don’t you love it when people in school are like, ‘I’m a bad test taker.’ You mean you’re stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part when we find out what you know? I can totally relate. See, I’m a brilliant painter, minus my god-awful brush strokes.”

“I don’t know what’s more embarrassing in this country. That Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place. Are you out of your mind? Swimming? I mean, that instinctive thing you do before you die?”

Contact Kirk Baird at kbaird@theblade.com or 419-724-6734.