Girl doesn't know how to break up

9/20/2012

Dear Straight Talk: Last week I moved seven hours away from my boyfriend of two years. We are at different colleges and agreed to make it work. But I am having my doubts. He was my first and only boyfriend and I'm feeling like I need to branch out and see what life is like. However, he is deeply in love and texting me like every two seconds. Does anyone know how to tell him without hurting him? I can't even break up in person! What should I do? -- Tammi, now in Los Angeles

Lara, 21: Completely pain-free breakups are impossible. But unhappiness or cheating hurts worse. If you break up by phone, write a letter also. I broke up with my long-distance boyfriend over Skype. He has not forgiven me. Nonetheless, we both deserved more than a lopsided relationship, where one loves more than the other.

Colin, 18: Be sensitive, but not timid. Start with, "What I'm about to say is as difficult for me as it will be for you."

Brandon, 20: I've been on both sides of this. The first time was with my girlfriend of two years. A faraway college changed everything. Ask yourself some questions: Were you completely happy with him? (Two years is enough time to know.) If so, he might be the perfect person -- and chasing other guys can (and will) backfire. If not, a clean breakup is better than a dragged-out one. Don't point fingers, and don't make false claims like, "I just need a break, maybe we can try later."

Nate, 18: The world won't end. College is educational, and falling for new people is part of it. Many of my friends have tried long-distance romances but none have worked.

Matt, 18, Boston: All last year, I dated an amazing girl who I love dearly. Knowing I was moving 2,000 miles away, we had many discussions. Ultimately, we decided to encourage each other to fully experience life. Our decision wasn't easy, but it took the pressure off. We still talk quite a bit, but there are no restrictions, demands, or prying. I miss her immensely, but we did the right thing.

Katelyn, 17: Everyone says listen to your heart, but college hearts today are subject to enormous peer pressure to "see what life is like." Do you really want to cave in to this feeling to date guys you hardly know? Slow down! In time you'll know if breaking up is best.

Katherine, 18: I'm now 3,000 miles from my boyfriend. To cope, we built some slack into the "boyfriend-girlfriend" label in case one of us does something stupid -- not that we plan to. Honestly, this is the hardest thing I've been through and Skype is saving our relationship. Give yourself time. Being far away is very emotional.

Dear Tammi: You must make a difficult choice and carry it out. Welcome to the wonderful world of adult life. Your options: 1) commit; 2) break up; 3) change the parameters; 4) chill -- but only if you're truly not sure; procrastination or secretly wanting to control him isn't allowed.

The best way to deliver a painful decision is to stand up (for the option true for you) while being kind and compassionate toward the other.

Accepting the fact that they will have pain, rather than glossing over it, or feeling annoyed, actually honors them. -- Lauren

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