Getting past a false school reputation

4/4/2013

Dear Straight Talk: I’m 16 and my sister (a senior) has the deserved reputation of a “slut.” Our mom is an alcoholic who will sleep with anybody, even with my sister and me right in the next room, so I think my sister learned from her example. I am determined NOT to be like them. However, their reputations have rubbed off on me. I’m known as the “slut’s sister” at school and many kids assume I’m also a slut. Decent guys (and many girls) want nothing to do with me, the guys who are jerks make sexual comments, and my best friend’s mom won’t allow her to sleep over. I’ve done nothing wrong. Please help. — No Slut, Sacramento, Calif.

Brie, 21: I hated high school. Numerous rumors were circulating about me. It was terrible. I stopped hanging out with the “cool” kids and joined those who accepted me. It made me much happier. All you can do is demonstrate that you’re not your sister. (Once she graduates, this will be easier.) Take heart that high school is a blip in time and afterward, you can create your own reputation. In college, there’s no such nonsense. Your friend is better off not sleeping over, though. Your home environment is toxic.

Savannah, 19: We cannot control what people think about us, but we can control how we think about ourselves which helps others change. Have you confided in anyone your feelings about being labeled by association? An honest conversation with a couple of people could get the word out that you are your own person.

Talk to your sister, too. Approach her lovingly about why she is acting out. Tell her how sad it makes you to see her disrespecting herself. Simple conversations can really help. So can therapy.

Colin, 19: Rise above the gossip. Reach out and be friendly. Show respect, even to those not respecting you. Pick one positive thing about who you are, or want to be (smart, funny, artistic, compassionate, etc.), and start showing that side of you.

Omari, 19: Create your own reputation. Do something that gets you recognized for YOU. Offensive slurs are only true if you make them your reality.

Liva, 23: The way you talk about your mom and sister is disturbing and unkind. Clearly neither is in the best emotional place, so have compassion rather than being mean and judgmental. Don’t join the slut-shaming culture of your peers.

Dear “No Slut”: Reputations in high school can stick like glue. If possible, switch schools. If you can’t, the panel’s advice is deep, practical, and varied. I hope something clicks for you.

Fallback position: Keep believing in yourself. It really does get better after high school. — Lauren

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