New country, new family: Haitian tragedy sparks interest in international adoption

Aaron and Jackie Frisch with children Mikail, left, Charlie, Max, and Joe in 2008 during a ceremony outside their new ‘Exreme Makeover: Home Edition' house in Toledo. Enlarge

Rachel and Keith Simpson pose in their home in Holland with their children, David, 20 months, who was adopted from Ethiopia; Henry, 4, and Ruth, 3. THE BLADE/DAVE ZAPOTOSKY Enlarge | Photo Reprints

“Vini pou manje!”

That's Haitian Creole for “come to eat,” the call to dinner in the Frisch home in West Toledo.

It's also a taste of life in a family that has grown through transracial, international adoption — a topic that's been in the spotlight since an earthquake devastated Haiti last month. American families scrambled to protect adoptions that were in midstream, while other families — touched by heart-wrenching images of survivors — have considered opening their homes to a Haitian child.

“We are flooded with calls,” said Jane Bareman, executive director of Adoption Associates, Inc., a domestic and international adoption agency in suburban Grand Rapids, Mich., that has local ties through Spirit of Faith Adoptions in Sylvania.

But it could take years for those children to be legally declared orphans, she said, and even then, adoption “cannot be an emotional, knee-jerk reaction to an event such as the earthquake.”

“People have to know what they're getting into because it's a decision for a lifetime, and it will change the dynamics of their family,” Ms. Bareman said.

Deloise President, supervisor of adoption for Lucas County Children Services, said the qualities needed in prospective adoptive parents are the same whether they're adopting a child within or outside of their own race or culture (which could also mean differences such as religion, or a child from the city moving to a rural area, she pointed out).

“We clearly want prospective adoptive parents to have a desire to provide love and nurturing for a child,” Ms. President said. They should be stable, mature, and understand that “they have to be in it for the long haul, that it is a commitment.”

“The goal of Children Services is to do a thorough assessment based on the needs of the child, and identify the most appropriate caregiver based on those needs,” she said.

Despite some challenges in adjusting to one another's differences — just as in biological families — the rewards of transracial and transcultural adoption can be great, according to the Frisches.

'A new culture'

Best known locally for their selection for the ABC series Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Jackie and Aaron Frisch have 12 children, ages 5 to 27. Three are biological, nine are adopted (five from Haiti and four from this area). Six of the adoptees are black and three are biracial. An unofficial 13th child, a college student from Haiti, moved in with them last fall.

“Together we all make a new culture,” Mrs. Frisch said.

Whether one creates a family through birth or adoption, there's no guarantee of happiness, she noted.

“You have to work at being a parent. You have to work at being a family. Being a family is not just about being blood. It's about making the choice to live together and love each other and accept each other and nurture each other and forgive each other — all those things, and that's not something that comes with birth or adoption. It comes from a choice.”

International adoption is a demanding, expensive, and lengthy process.

“Each country is unique, but it is paperwork intensive,” said Phillip Wurster, director of Spirit of Faith Adoptions. His domestic adoption agency also handles preliminary steps for agencies that do international adoptions, such as Adoption Associates. Inc.

Once a home study and required paperwork is completed, notarized, translated, and submitted to multiple parties, the couple waits for a match, then must travel to the country (sometimes twice) before bringing their child home. Start to finish, “it's usually about a year to two years,” Mr. Wurster said.

The cost also varies by country, ranging from about $15,000 to $40,000-plus, he estimated.

Son from Ethiopia

For Keith and Rachel Simpson of Holland, about 14 months passed between attending their first informational meeting about international adoption and bringing their son, David, home from Ethiopia last April.

David, who will be 2 in June, joined the Simpsons' biological children, 4-year-old Henry and 3-year-old Ruth.

“We had a desire to welcome another child into our family and we recognized there are many children out there who are for whatever reason without a family,” Mr. Simpson said. They considered both domestic and overseas adoption before deciding to seek a child from Ethiopia.

Like many other adoptive families, they had to work at helping the baby establish a bond with them.

As Ms. Bareman of Adoption Associates explained, many children who are adopted internationally spend a long time in institutional care. “Being raised in an orphanage is a totally different environment than being raised in a family. Prospective adoptive parents need to be concerned about the child's ability to bond to a mother and a father and to siblings,” she said.

“One thing that Rachel did was to carry him everywhere,” Mr. Simpson said. “She will still sling him quite a bit just to have that very close attaching time.”

David loves being in the sling, Mrs. Simpson said, “at an age when most babies would probably resist it.”

Mrs. Frisch said the expression of affection was an issue she and her adopted children had to work through.

“I'm a momma through and through. I am a snuggler. They didn't know how to do that, so we both had to move slow,” she recalled. “I needed to show them a different way of loving than just trying to hug or kiss the top of their head, and they had to learn a new way of receiving love than just being stiff.”

Attachment issues

Food, climate, and language are secondary adjustments compared with emotional attachment and behavior issues, Ms. Bareman said. Cultural differences become more pronounced the older the child is, making adjustment more difficult.

“It's very important that adoptive families respect and cultivate their child's culture throughout their life,” Ms. Bareman went on, noting that ancestry and place of birth are part of a child's identity.

Although as a toddler David Simpson doesn't perceive the ways in which he is different from the rest of his family, “Looking to the future, we want him to be proud of who he is and comfortable in his own skin,” Mrs. Simpson said.

In the Frisch home, “We eat from the different cultures, we speak from the different cultures. ... We've learned each other's jargon and accents and meanings,” Mrs. Frisch said.

Every member of a multiracial, multicultural family benefits from the experience, Ms. Bareman observed.

“The upside for the [adopted] child, of course, is the fact that he has been able to experience our way of living, and be in a loving family where he has a mother and a dad and siblings,” she said. The parents have the joy of another child, and siblings develop respect for other races and cultures.

“I don't want my kids to grow up in a bubble of everyone looks like me, everyone acts like me, everyone has the same story,” Mrs. Simpson said.

As for herself, “I would not be who I am without him,” she reflected. “Now I think I need David as much as he ever needed us.”

Contact Ann Weber at: aweber@theblade.comor 419-724-6126.