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Published: Friday, 9/3/2010

Would you really attend Faber College?

BY JAY CRIDLIN
ST. PETERSBURG (FLA.) TIMES

Most movie lovers hail Animal House as the greatest college movie of all time.

So the film's fictional Faber College should be the greatest fictional university of all time, right? Not so fast.

Would you really want Dean Wormer breathing down your neck all the time? How about Neidermeyer and those ROTC goons? And just imagine trying to get all those food-fight stains out of your "COLLEGE" sweatshirt.

If you could pass through the looking glass into Hollywood, which fictional college would get your application for acceptance? Here are our favorites:

• Adams College (Revenge of the Nerds, 1984): Gets knocked down a tier in our rankings because those who excel academically may feel like outcasts, especially within the Greek system.

• South Harmon Institute of Technology (Accepted, 2006): It's the ultimate do-nothing college, because, technically speaking, it's not really a college. It's just a place where students who were rejected by all other colleges can gather to hang out and teach themselves exactly what they want to learn. It's the ultimate experimental classroom.

• Atlanta A&T University (Drumline, 2002): Nirvana for band geeks. And if you're lucky, you might have a class with Zoe Saldana.

• Harrison University (Old School, 2003): Snoop Dogg concerts, KY jelly wrestling, discounts at Speaker City - who wouldn't want to party here? We're going streakiiiiiing!

• South Central Louisiana State University (The Waterboy, 1998): We just want to be part of the victory celebration when the Mud Dogs finally upset the University of Louisiana, thanks to All-American Bobby Boucher.

• Marshall College (Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981): We have a feeling that a letter of recommendation from esteemed archaeology professor Henry Jones, who taught at this stately Connecticut university for many years, would go a long way.

• Coolidge College (National Lampoon's Van Wilder, 2002): As long as you're on a first-name basis with Van, college will be a snap.

• Western University/Eastern State University (Blue Chips, 1994; The Program, 1993): Good athletics, but honestly, who would want to cheer for such dirty basketball (Western) and football (ESU) programs? (Although it would be fun to watch Shaquille O'Neal in his prime at Western.) Bring in Coach K and JoePa to clean up these programs!

• Port Chester University (PCU, 1994): We'd hesitate to attend a college so dominated by political correctness that frat parties are outlawed (at least until George Clinton steps in). On the other hand, if you have zero political correctness, your school could turn into ...

• Columbus University (Higher Learning, 1995): So much racial tension, and a tragic school shooting to boot. At least Laurence Fishburne seems like he'd be a pretty good professor.

We've noticed that fictional colleges are more common on television than in films. Here are some of our favorites.

• Greendale Community College (Community): Senior Chang and Starburns seem like real drags, but we're willing to put up with them for the cafeteria's famed chicken fingers.

• Texas Methodist University (Friday Night Lights): Frankly, we'd rather go to Dillon High, but just the sight of coach Eric Taylor on our sidelines would be enough to inspire confidence. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!

• University of North Eastern California (Undeclared): Attending this school automatically qualifies you for a job on the set of any Judd Apatow movie.

• California University: How would you like to attend the same school as cast members from Saved by the Bell and Beverly Hills 90210? Thought so.

• Mars University (Futurama): If your application is denied, you can always enroll at Coney Island Community College. Go Whitefish!



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