Total Recall is the kind of film you hate as a critic. Not because it's bad, but because it's not bad enough. Or, good enough. Total Recall stays just this side of competent, which means rather than showering it with insults or praise, one has to begrudgingly acknowledge it's not a failure -- at least, not completely.
The big-budget remake has an impressive arsenal of effects and gadgetry, as do all films that take place in Philip K. Dick's apocalyptic vision of our future. Which also means redundancy: the crowded neon-lit city of Blade Runner, the zippy two-seater cars of Minority Report, and an android police force that resembles the creations from I, Robot. (OK, that's Isaac Asimov, but the point of borrowed cinematic looks remains applicable.)
But Total Recall does nothing with any of it, other than speed us along through poorly lit back allies, creamy-white hallways, and rush-hour traffic in a near-continuos chase sequence as factory worker Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) attempts to out-run, out-think, and out-gun the government agents and police attempting to kill him. Quaid's world -- and our future -- is bleak after a global chemical war has rendered most of the land inhospitable. With such limited space and resources, real estate is the most-prized possession and Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston) wants all of it.
The Hitchcockian thread to Dick's short story We Can Remember It For You Wholesale is that Quaid is an ordinary man in an extraordinary situation: a master spy who is the key to a simmering civil war of the haves and have-nots -- obvious political parallels that the film ignores. Quaid discovers his past through Rekall, a company that turns fantasy to faux reality by inserting fictitious memories into the brain. Anyone who has seen the 1990 version starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Quaid knows the basics of the fun and twisty original plot. So the biggest challenge for the 2012 remake shouldn't be replication but to forge a new path -- or at least offer a few surprises along the way. But it doesn't. Nor does it really try.
The biggest twist to the updated Total Recall is that it's entirely set on Earth, unlike the Mars location of the first film. It's a cosmetic change, the same as hiring new actors for the same roles, such as Kate Beckinsale as Lori Quaid, Doug's wife/the agent trying to kill him, or Jessica Biel as Melina, Doug's former partner in the civil war.
Even more glaring than the lack of originality is that none of these changes or new faces measures up to the original.
Farrell plays it straight and dull -- to the point you miss Schwarzenegger's presence and everything that comes with it: Austrian accent, ironically bad lines, decent acting. Schwarzenegger is a poor man's John Wayne: larger than life, limited range, and, with one or two notable exceptions, playing variations of the same character. Like Wayne, though, Schwarzenegger was exceptionally good at what he did, which is why he became a movie star.
Farrell enjoyed A-list status, but a series of misfires have dimmed his star, and Total Recall won't bolster his resume. He is a good actor, but he's not a movie star. And there's a significant difference between the two as the Total Recall films prove.
The same could be said of Beckinsale as a replacement for Sharon Stone. Stone has unmistakable presence on the screen, while Beckinsale is the attractive tablecloth you notice momentarily as you walk into a room for the first time, before it disappears in a blur of its surroundings. It doesn't help that Beckinsale and Biel are essentially the same actress -- pretty, petite, and brunette -- in essentially the same roles as tough weapons of destruction pulling guns on each other.
The original Total Recall was directed by Paul Verhoeven, the noted Dutch filmmaker who gave us Robocop, Basic Instinct, and two distinct and polarizing films Starship Troopers and Showgirls. The remake was directed by Len Wiseman, who gave us Underworld, Underworld: Evolution, and Live Free or Die Hard. Artistically edgy or competently mediocre? It's not only a question of filmmaker preference but Total Recall as well.
And in a Total Recall vs. Total Recall battle royale, the original wins every time.
Total Recall
Directed by Len Wiseman. Screenplay by Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback, based on a Philip K. Dick story. A Columbia Pictures release, playing at Rave Franklin Park, Fallen Timbers, and Levis Commons. Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action, some sexual content, brief nudity, and language. Running time: 116 minutes.
Critic's rating: * 1/2
Quaid Colin Farrell
Lori Kate Beckinsale
Melina Jessica Biel
Cohaagen Bryan Cranston
Contact Kirk Baird at kbaird@theblade.com or 419-724-6734.
First Published August 3, 2012, 4:00 a.m.
