Host: Thank you, and welcome back to Who's Desperate Enough to Marry a Complete Stranger? the revamped version of the Fox network's ratings blockbuster. To quickly recap for those just joining us, we're now down to our three finalists, each of whom has agreed to marry the guy behind the screen if she is the lucky girl selected. Now it's time to let the gals quiz our mystery man. Have at it, ladies.
Gal No. 1: OK, tell me, mystery man, are you, like, really, really rich?
Guy: I've had a rich variety of experiences in my life.
Gal No. 2: I think she's talking net worth here, sweetheart.
Guy: One person's wealth can be another person's burden.
Gal No. 2: Geez, what are you? The wise old master from Kung Fu?
Gal No. 3: You don't have any restraining orders against you, do you?
Gal No. 3: Yes.
Gal No. 2: If you're a normal guy, why do you have to go on a TV show to get a wife? Does the word "loser" come to mind?
Guy: Actually, I'm here because I thought this would be an interesting experience. And if I weren't such a gentleman, I might be asking you whether you're familiar with the term "gold digger."
Gal No. 1: If you and I end up getting married, does that mean we have to, like, live together?
Guy: Nah. We don't even have to talk to each other.
Gal No. 1: Good, because I don't think my boyfriend would like that.
Gal No. 3: If you and I got married, would you make me give up my job at the diner?
Guy: Of course not. I think it's important for a woman to pursue a career. Besides, you get to bring home all the day-old meatloaf that doesn't sell, right?
Gal No. 2: How can we be sure that you're not some abusive control freak and publicity hound like that Rick Rockwell character who lied his way onto Fox's last "reality-based" show?
Guy: And how can I be sure you're not some female impersonator with a really good wig? Your voice does sound kind of deep.
Gal No. 1: What would you consider a romantic evening?
Guy: Alone or with somebody else? You've got to be more specific. But now I'd like to ask all of you a question. If each of you is willing to marry a complete stranger just because you think he might be rich, doesn't that make you little more than prostitutes?
Gal No. 1: Hey, I don't do that kind of stuff any more.
Gal No. 2: Bite me.
Gal No. 3: Hmm. That's a tough one. I think I'd like to use a lifeline.
Host: Uh, wrong show, honey. There aren't any lifelines around here. No, Regis gets to host that program while I get stuck with this freak show. This business stinks.
Guy: Yeah, but Regis still has to work every morning with Kathie Lee.
Host: Good point.
Gal No. 2: Hello? Could we maybe get back to us here, fellas?
Guy: Cool it, honey. I've got a question for the host. Can I bring back some of those other girls that we eliminated earlier? These finalists are starting to annoy me.
Gal No. 1: Wait a minute! We're the official finalists, buddy.
Guy: Well, I wouldn't marry any of you if YOU had a million dollars.
Gal No. 3: Is that your final answer?
Host: Hey, you dizzy dame! I told you, this isn't that show!
Gal No. 2: Leave her alone, you Bob Barker wannabe.
Host: Listen, you little tramp . . .
Guy: Hey, host. This is going nowhere. Why don't you and I go out and grab a couple of beers?
Host: Good idea. I know this great topless joint . . .
Gal No. 3: Wait! I'd like to call a friend. Or maybe I should poll the audience . . .