Monday, Apr 23, 2018
One of America's Great Newspapers ~ Toledo, Ohio


Goof off at work while still at home

Are you tired of getting up every day and fighting traffic just to get to a job that you can't stand? Have you had it with dimwitted bosses who couldn't pour spit out of a boot if the directions were printed on the heel? Are you sick of co-workers who sit around clipping their fingernails and downloading photos from porn Web sites all day?

Well, maybe the time has come for you to consider joining the millions of other people who have put the 9-to-5 grind behind them for good and now enjoy WORKING AT HOME!

That's right! These people no longer have to leave their children, their TV sets, and their pet gerbils at home every day just so they can shuffle zombie-like into an office, a store, or a factory to make a living. Instead, they are working from the comfort of their own homes, earning good money while maintaining complete flexibility to set their own schedule.

They don't have to waste time and gasoline driving to and from some distant workplace. They don't have to wear expensive, stylish clothes to work. In fact, they don't have to wear anything at all if they don't want to!

And best of all, they no longer have to deal with annoying middle managers looking over their shoulder, telling them when they can take a break, make a phone call, or go to the bathroom.

Right about now some of you are probably thinking: “Gosh, that sounds like a great idea! I sure do wish I could take advantage of it, because I'm this close to bringing a bazooka into work one day and taking out the whole place. But to tell you the truth, I'm kind of an idiot, and I don't know how to do much of anything. Could there be something out there for me, too?”

Sure there is, my cerebrally challenged friends. In fact, there are plenty of work-at-home opportunities for anyone! Here are just a few: Typists. Telemarketers. Puppet makers. Financial analysts. Stuffed-animal stuffers. Product testers. Novelists.

But one of the most wide open of all at-home jobs is assembler. To do this, you simply receive supplies from the firm or firms of your choice, complete the assembly requirements, and return the finished products for payment. You can put together such items as potpourri baskets, toasters, desks, computers, nuclear submarines, and more. Some items may require basic tools, such as a sewing machine, a screwdriver, a forklift, or a robot-operated pneumatic laser welder.

Dozens of companies are discovering that it's more economical to hire people like you to do work in their homes rather than absorbing the overhead of huge assembly plants, which includes such costs as worker salaries, fringe benefits, sexual harassment lawsuit settlements, parking lot snow removal, etc.

The demand for handmade items is soaring, and because it's becoming more and more difficult for companies to find reliable sweat-shop workers in Third World countries, they'd just as soon give the money to you as to some 10-year-old punk who lives on the other side of the world and doesn't even speak English.

But how do you know what companies need assemblers? That's where I come in. My book, Secrets of Home Employment, has all the information you'll need to get started, and it can be yours for a special introductory price of $29.95, which includes shipping and handling. And if you're not completely satisfied with the money you can make with an exciting work-at-home job, then simply return the book for a full refund - minus shipping and handling charges, of course.

Don't hesitate. Remember the old saying: “If you wait for things to happen in life, you'll never ... the sun'll come out tomorrow ... well, just don't be waiting around all the time. It can't be good for your circulation.”

And hey, if I can move enough of these books, then maybe I, too, can spend more time at home. Except the only thing I'd plan on working would be the television remote control.

Mike Kelly is a Blade columnist. E-mail him at

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