“Why,” readers often ask, “don't the media ever report good news?”
I used to try and explain that news, by definition, means something out of the ordinary, and that more often than not, it's an aberration of the unpleasant variety.
But I've come to realize over the years that what people usually mean when they lodge this familiar complaint is that, in fact, they're just plain weary of the world's sadness.
It's not that they don't understand the definition of news. It's that their eyes and ears are sore from taking it all in. And who could blame them?
So in that same spirit, here's an anxiety-free edition of local “news.”
On Main Street yesterday, police said no convenience stores, gas stations, or banks were robbed. However, one unlucky lottery player at 7-Eleven called 911 to complain that his scratch ticket “wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.”
Meanwhile, firefighters overnight said Toledo's arsonists must be out of town for a convention or something. Deputy Chief Ann Smith said personnel at all city fire stations reported a full night's uninterrupted sleep.
At Toledo Public Schools, principals throughout the district said no students were expelled, suspended, or sent to the office for informal discipline.
School security personnel said weapon checks at various junior and high schools turned up no guns, knives, or screwdrivers. Teachers said all students showed up with completed homework assignments.
At the TPS board meeting scheduled for tonight, Superintendent Eugene Sanders is expected to receive a 100 percent raise for these accomplishments.
In suburban Sylvania, meanwhile, Joe and Debbie Jones, of 123 Zero St., each declined to take part in their weekly marital dispute. Mr. Jones said he was “just too pooped” from working overtime at the Jeep plant, while Mrs. Jones credited a surprise bout of “Christmas spirit” with preventing her from taking part in the couple's usual Saturday night spat.
Officer Joe Blow, who typically responds to the 911 call generated by the Joneses' discord, instead got to finish his entire doughnut Saturday night.
Social workers at Lucas County Children Services received no reports of child abuse last night. Furthermore, they said all parents this morning “seem to fully understand” their obligation to their offspring.
At city hall, Mayor Carty Finkbeiner arrived at his 22nd floor office and began his day by offering to fetch hazelnut lattes for all the secretaries.
Also at city hall, paramedics said 13 secretaries who work for the city were treated briefly for mild shock, caused by undetermined origin. The secretaries had returned to work by midmorning.
Meanwhile, city refuse workers carried out garbage pickup duties in record time, finishing four hours earlier than usual. They then volunteered to help city parks and rec staff weed flower beds citywide.
City council, meeting last night, sent to committee the matter of the city's $2 million budget surplus. “It's going to be tough,” said council president Peter Ujvagi, “finding somewhere to spend that money, now that all municipal service needs have been met.”
In weather news, tomorrow will bring continued sunny skies and pleasant temperatures.
Roberta de Boer's column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Readers may contact her at 419-724-6086 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.