Friday, February 12, 2016
Current Weather
Loading Current Weather....
Published: Tuesday, 4/5/2005

Have we got a deal for you, Ohio

To: Ohio entities with $$$ to invest

From: Me, hereafter referred to as SWOOL (She Who Offers the Opportunity of a Lifetime!)

Welcome to the Exciting World of High-Yield Speculative investing!

SWOOL doesn't usually offer these amazing opportunities to state entities, but she strongly feels the time has come for government agencies to make the kind of Republican-level profit typically reserved for discrete, wealthy individuals!!

Act now - operators are standing by! - and we'll even throw in your choice of a bonus Cabbage Patch doll (your grandkids can tell you about their historic demand) or Beanie Baby (your kids can tell you about the high demand for these absolutely DARLING investment instruments)!

While most investment opportunities begin with a dreary prospectus, SWOOL believes the savvy investor - this means you, Ohio! - can glean all necessary info via this memo. No more endless fine print!!

Once upon a time, only the cognoscenti were able to earn high returns. But no more! Now, with the daring Bureau of Workers' Compensation blazing a trail to the hefty, double-digit ROI, the investment opportunity of a lifetime is waiting for ANY Ohio entity shrewd enough to take on the inherent risk.*

What is the genesis of this changed investment strategy? Glad you asked!

In the beginning, Ohio created its investment strategy. And the strategy was without form, and void; and boring low yields were upon the face of the portfolio. And the brave spirit of Tom Noe moved upon the face of the GOP waters. And Tom said, Let there be coins: and there was risk.

Last time anyone checked, Workers' Comp had MILLIONS OF DOLLARS invested in rare coins. That's right! COINS!!!

"It's probably one of the better investments in our portfolio," the bureau's investment officer kerfuffled.

But wait! That's not all!!

SWOOL is now proud to offer a wider array of investment opportunities than ever before! Want to make lotsa money, but can't tell a 1792 silver piece from a beer can tab? No sweat!!

In the fast-changing, volatile world of pricey collectibles, SWOOL's gotcha covered! Before Tom Noe's eye-opening relationship with the workers' comp portfolio, SWOOL thought she just had a dusty heap of her daughter's cast-off light sabers and Darth Vader battery-operated voice changers taking up valuable closet space.

But SWOOL now recognizes this priceless Americana for what it is - a gold mine! And now is Ohio's chance to get in on the action!! For a limited time only, invest in Han Solo plastic figurines (before next month's latest Star Wars release), and see your pennies appreciate into gazillions of dollars!!

Plus, see SWOOL's closets empty out!!

The Ohio EPA will send you a certificate of thanks, suitable for framing.


All high-risk investments are, um, high-risk. No return is guaranteed; past performance is not an indicator of future yield. If this scares you, keep your money under the mattress, coward.

Recommended for You

Guidelines: Please keep your comments smart and civil. Don't attack other readers personally, and keep your language decent. If a comment violates these standards or our privacy statement or visitor's agreement, click the "X" in the upper right corner of the comment box to report abuse. To post comments, you must be a Facebook member. To find out more, please visit the FAQ.