Sunday, May 27, 2018
One of America's Great Newspapers ~ Toledo, Ohio


Magazine s list puts us on crash course to Lonelyville

Darn that Men s Health magazine, anyway!

No, no, no.

This isn t another contribution to Sunday s story about the single urban professional Toledoan s lament, aka, Why Is It All My Dates Order Beer n Peanuts Instead of Chardonnay and Brie?

Phhhft. That s nothin. Well, not to me, anyway.

I ve been married for more than 20 years, which means not only do I no longer qualify as a Young Professional, but I ve had a date every Saturday night since Ronald Reagan was in office.

No, today I m lamenting yet another Men s Health magazine Best Of/Worst Of list.

(Question: Do the people who work at that magazine ever do anything else but rate the nation s cities according to arcane demographic data? List, list, list. That s all we ever hear from those people!

I m trying to imagine a world in which Men s Health fails to produce a list of national rankings, and all I m envisioning is a world without well-fed metro columnists.)

But I digress.

This most recent list and yes, Toledo is on it has to do with bad drivers.

The Capital of Crash, reads the headline, going on to conclude: Here s our ranking of the cities with the best and worst motorists.

America s worst? Columbia, S.C. Maybe that s what happens in places that continued to fly the Confederate flag until the year 2000.

Frankly, Columbia s No. 1 slot surprises me as it should anyone who s driven in, to name but a few other probabilities, the Tampa-St. Pete area (land of the Early Bird special), or Chicago (where it s the Dangerous Dan Ryan Expressway for a reason), or, say, L.A. (where, I confess, I ve never driven but have lost several good friends who did and promised to call me once they reached their destination, which by my calculation should have happened years ago).

America s safest drivers? They re in Des Moines, Iowa. Maybe it s all those grids criss-crossing the cornfields in such a comfortingly familiar pattern.

As for Toledo, we slide in at No. 61, between Atlanta and Lexington, Ky.

Personally, this offends me (as does our ranking on almost every Men s Health list) because oh, you know it s true! we here in Toledo can drive just as crappy as anywhere else.

I do not care what all the national traffic safety data say. Anyone who lives here knows Toledo, Ohio, is a veritable MAGNET for b-a-d drivers.

And Toledo police Sgt. Richard Murphy agrees. So there.

Oh, I think we re terrible [drivers]. Toledo has a lot of bad drivers, he said after I goaded him into saying it.

Possibly the lamest driving he can remember seeing is something he actually sees rather often:

I saw one who was driving while they were talking on the phone with a dog sitting on their lap!

Yeah, the sergeant said, here in Toledo we are always in a hurry, cutting from one lane to another with no place to go. Or to go to a bar.

Well, all I m saying is, they better be ordering the chardonnay

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