Under the category of "It Can't Get Any Stranger (Can It?!)," I've discovered a batch of news briefs - both current and future - about our hometown hero, Joe the Plumber.
(And hey, is it official now? Are Klinger and Katie no longer our most famous export celebrity products?)
Some of these "news briefs," heaven help us, might even contain some truth. Others, obviously, are beyond all possibility. Er, right? After all, it's been a long, strange trip to Tuesday
NASHVILLE - Look for soaring ratings for the final episode of Who's The Most Patriotic Country Singer, Like, Ever?
In this twangin' celebrity reality TV smack-down, country stars Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith face off against newcomer singing sensation Sammy Joe Plummer (the artist formerly known as JTP).
Despite occasional challenges with pitch and tone, Sammy Joe Plummer shot to the top of the charts with the release of his single "Tax Me, Mama, and I'ma Get My Wrench," quickly followed by a second hit, "Mess With Israel 'n' Meet My Size Twelve Boot."
NEW YORK - Noted author Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher will appear tonight on The Daily Show, promoting his latest book with host Jon Stewart.
Mr. Wurzelbacher's new tome is titled Epiphany: My Post-Political Life and The Long, Hard Road to Finally Understanding That The Very CONCEPT of Taxes Is, By Definition, Redistributive and Not 'Socialist' - Duh!
It is in its 52nd week as the No. 1 title on the New York Times best-seller list. The author's first book (title: Huh?) was on the best-seller list for nearly one week.
WASHINGTON - In this final week of the 2012 presidential race, the GOP "Palin 'n' Plumber" ticket ejected a number of newspaper scribes from its campaign plane.
The move was reminiscent of 2008, when surprise loser Barack Obama in the last week of campaigning tossed reporters off his plane from three newspapers (the New York Post, Dallas Morning News, and the Washington Times) which, gee, happened to endorse opponent John McCain. Also in '08, the McCain camp similarly barred columnists Maureen Dowd (the New York Times), Joe Klein (Newsweek), and Mike the Writer (Plumbers Union Weekly).
President Palin remains in a tight race for re-election against surging Democractic candidate Hillary Clinton. GOP insiders are concerned that Vice President Joe has "gone rogue," abandoning talking points to speak dangerously off the cuff.
Responding to a question yesterday asked by a voter standing in a driveway, the vice president claimed foreign policy expertise by pointing to the fact that he's from a city with numerous Middle Eastern restaurants.
"I can practically see The Hummus Hut from my house," he said.
PERRYSBURG TOWNSHIP - The former cut-out doll mascot of the GOP enrolled in plumbing school yesterday.
"Joe the Plumber" - trotted around to campaign for the failed McPalin ticket, whose star plummeted after the election and who was then consigned to the proverbial dust bin of history, where he's lived as an historic footnote and obscure Trivial Pursuit answer - was said to be the oldest enrollee in the new Owens Affordable Mega State University's Institute of Plumbing Excellence.
"It's never too late to go back and pick up the wrench," he muttered to reporters before seeking a restraining order against all media, insisting he'd "never ever ever" again submit to such scrutiny.
Roberta de Boer's column appears here Sunday and in Second News on Tuesday and Thursday.
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